21 days to a New Habit? It's a Lie!

Experts will tell you that it takes doing something 21 times for it to become a habit. Ha! First, I want to know who these experts are. And second, what exactly are they using for a definition of a habit? Never in my life has this "sage" advice worked.

OK, so the expert part. Have you ever noticed that the people who make the 21 day claim say it like it's some fact written in stone without ever actually trying it for themselves? I think that at day 21 they said, "Hey, I'm sick of keeping track of this habit. I don't think I will go back to my old ways. Done." Then they let it fade from memory and happily assume that they have a new habit.

Now the definition of a habit (as defined by dictionary.com)-  an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. That's the kind of definition I'm talking about. I don't think the "experts" are using this definition. I think the definition they are using is something like this- a new behavior done repetitively. They forget about the "almost involuntary" part.


Most habits that I can think of are negative ones. Like mindless eating. Or sucking your thumb. Picking your nose. Hair twirling. Leaving your backpack on the couch. Stripping off your clothes as soon as you get home (your partner may or may not like that one, but your kids hate it). You get it.

The point is, that at some level these bad habits give you an instant pay off that you need. New, good habits do not do this. If it's a new, bad habit, you are probably being rewarded for it in some way almost immediately. New, good habits are HARD!!! They require a lot of work and effort. They take you completely outside of your comfort zone. They do not give you the same kind of pay off that bad habits do. And 21 days is not enough time to ingrain these things into you so much so that stopping would make you feel desperate to continue doing them.


I must confess that I do not have any good habits. I have bad habits that I'm trying to overcome. I do good things on a regular basis, some more regularly than others. And I'm trying really hard to establish some good habits. 


The one I'm closest on is making my bed. In my 40+ years of living, making my bed has never been a priority of any kind. I decided in September that I needed a self-esteem boost and that one way to do that is to feel like you accomplish some thing everyday. Making the bed is easy so I decided to work on that. 21 days later it was still a hassle to make it. 60 days later I was still squabbling with Dude-Man about who should have to do it on weekends (Have you ever seen a baby having a fit because someone won't suck his thumb for him on the weekend? I think not!). It's now been over 150 days (I counted) and while it gives me great satisfaction to see my bed made and I no longer get grouchy about doing it on the weekends and I even have it mostly made before I even get out of bed (I'm very clever); I will let it go if I'm sick. I know I should cut myself some slack but I'm just being honest here. Thumb-suckers, hair-twirlers, compulsive eaters, nose pickers, back pack slingers, and nudists feel wrong when they don't suck, twirl, eat, pick, sling, or disrobe. Maybe I will never get there when it comes to making my bed. And, I'm actually OK with that.


Here are some things that I'm working on (with varying degrees of success) to make new, good habits in my lifetime- exercise, making healthy food choices, wearing make-up, getting dressed every day (pajamas don't count), brushing my teeth, doing the dishes, reading scriptures, saying positive things to my family, cooking dinner, doing my hair, putting away my stuff, doing nice things without being asked (something I wish my kids did- hint, hint), speaking/reading/listening to Korean every day, and nurturing our bank account into a state of abundance.

Whoa! That sentence was really long! And that's a lot of stuff! The nice thing about life is that everyday you get a chance to try again. When I let something go I ask myself if it's something that's still important to me and if it is I get up and do it. Right then. I have made my bed right before getting in it. Exercised after showering. Thrown away a poor food choice before I finished eating it. Put make-up on at 7pm. Gotten dressed at 5pm. Brushed my teeth at noon. Read one verse of scripture by the light of my ipod. You get the picture.

Now I'm not saying all of this to sound like a perfect, dedicated person. I am sooo far from that. But I have given myself permission to love myself and take care of myself in whatever way that works on that particular day. I don't hold to any diets or exercise plans. No month-by-month home organizing plan. Not even Dude-Man gets a say in how I should accomplish my goals. And I think that if you are thinking of something that you would like to tackle in your own life then do it! I'd love to cheer you on.

And when the going gets tough I just think of this guy-

  Why? Because he is always so positive and nice. And he's funny. So very funny. When the going gets tough I get all grouchy and mean. Laughing melts all that bad karma away. And then I listen to this song-
Super Junior - Here We Go.mp3

So now that you have something to think about, a nice picture of a really positive person (Eunhyuk), and a fun song to listen to, go forth and accomplish!

Party On Friend!