I Don't Wanna!

Lately, it has been hard for me to keep doing the things that make me happy. I am always amazed at how I can go from feeling perfectly happy and content to feeling like a prettier version of Jabba the Hut (by that, I mean I turn into a lazy slug).

Of course, there is always a reason for the crash - PMS, not enough sunshine, sickness, tiredness, boredom, busyness, and the Tyranny of the Shoulds. You do know about the Tyranny of the Shoulds don't you? Well, in case you don't, it means that your life gets taken over by all the things that you should be doing and aren't. Or if you are doing them, you feel that you aren't doing them well enough. Also, you feel guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. It's not fun.

Recently I decided that I should walk/run three miles a day. That meant doubling the amount of time I exercise. At first I was really devoted to the idea. My devotion lasted two days. So then I felt guilty.

Another thing I recently decided is that I should read three pages of my scriptures before exercising. This messed up my exercise routine. But spirituality is just as important, if not more important than physical health so I forced my new plan on my self. I didn't really pay attention to my reading and then I was late getting to the exercising. The guilt was now doubled. Also, it was only 6:30 in the morning and I no longer had any desire to get out of bed. I would force myself, but the cheerfulness was definitely gone

I also had the great idea to do a better job at keeping the kitchen clean. This is a really good goal. But I wanted to keep it always clean. There are six people who mess up the kitchen and only two of them clean it up without being asked to. It's my own fault. I should have done a better job at teaching my kids responsibility and cleanliness. Oh the guilt is getting thick now! And to make it even better, I made the goal of not hassling the mess makers in my old way of getting grouchy and mean (although it was very effective). So if I get mad, it comes with another dose of guilt. Lose-lose-lose.

Also, I haven't been doing the Rosetta Stone so much. First I felt guilty for spending so much time working on it. Then I felt guilty because I wasn't spending enough time on it. And I was having a hard time understanding the grammar so I bought some books to help me. Well books can't help you if you don't read them, so I set up a study plan to to become a better student of the Korean language. I decided that I should work on the Rosetta Stone course for a certain amount of time every day. And that I should study the Korean text books for a certain amount of time every day. Then I thought I should be speaking Korean for a set time every day and reading it, and writing it..... OH! Now my head hurts. Honestly, what was I thinking?

Here are some other goals I think I should have-

I should do the laundry every day.
I should prepare delicious, healthy, low-calorie, economical meals every night.
I should make Bento box lunches for my entire family every day.
I should train to run a 5k.

Last week it was announced that Eunhyuk would be leaving Kiss the Radio. I was so sad. But then he put this  picture and statement on twitter -

“Putting down everything in order to find something better, need to face (the new challenge) with a more prudent and hardworking attitude. Although there were matters that were difficult to decide on, I will not regret ^ ^. Hope that I’ll become someone that continues to develop everyday…Fighting! SJ-M fighting!”

And then suddenly it became clear to me, Just like Eunhyuk, I cannot do everything. Or at least not all at once. He is giving up his radio show in order to fulfill his responsibilities to Super Junior-M. Maybe he will leave the two TV shows that he is on every week. I don't know. What I do know is that he is pursuing one goal with steadfast determination. I think he might even feel guilty about leaving the radio show. He sounds kind of sad to me. But it's OK because he know what he wants.

And deep inside I know what I want. I want to get healthy no matter how long it takes. And I want to learn Korean. What I don't want is deadlines and have to's. I like having lists and plans but in reality that kind of linear approach does not work for me. I do much better I when follow a passion as it leads through the twists and turns of life. This is a lesson that I've learned the hard way. I should respect and love myself enough to allow myself to grow in a way that works for me.